I miss Burl Ives.
And the days when you could step out of the heat and into "America Sings."
Remind me again why they took out the attraction?
Don't get me wrong, "Innoventions" is deeply compelling.
So is the Museum of Ceramic Art.
And the Gallup New Mexico Center for the Development of Motel Management.
And the San Bernardino County Water Treatment Symposium.
The songs and colorful characters of America Sings were always a pleasant experience.
Kids today have nothing like it in the Park.
Winnie the Pooh?
Meh.
Buzz Lightyear?
Nope.
Man. There's not even a Country Bear Jamboree this side of Florida.
(Insert wistful sighing noise here).
Meanwhile...
back at the helm, I remember pushing the throttle gently as my boat chugged along the dock.
I would stare out from my launch at the guests waiting in the queue.
"Oh, Hi! Hey check out my boat!!!
It was WAY more crowded when I left!
Ladies, your wait is over.
Your dreamboat has arrived.
Hey, why the long faces?
You were expecting Clark Gable? Douglas Fairbanks?"
Coasting to the loading dock, I pull the boat into reverse and slip the throttle back to neutral.
The doorways line up with the dock load areas.
"Hi."
(Pause and stare).
"Get in."
(stare some more as guests start to file into the boat).
"Look at you guys.
What? You been at a theme park all day?
Sheesh!
Larry (at rear load), I thought I ordered LIVE bait!
(Stare some more at guests).
Sir, let me ask you something,
when you got up today did you say to yourself: Disneyland. Jungle Cruise. Gotta do it!?
Really?
(Pause, sighing heavily)
Me too.
(Stare blankly over mic at the guests, raise left eyebrow).
Keep 'em coming, Larry.
Slide all the way forward, ladies.
Forward, ladies.
My! How we in the Jungle enjoy forward ladies!
But that's another long story and I don't want to go into just now.
Looks like Larry and Dave are almost through overloading our boat.
Nice work, fellas.
Remember: a full boat is not just a sign of this attraction's popularity,
it also gives me much more bargaining power with the local natives.
Speaking of which, let me take a quick "head" count.
Okay, 47 and a half.
Looks like we are ready to launch.
Just a friendly reminder before we leave, the Jungle Cruise is not responsible for any lost personal items such as purses, cameras, children or in-laws.
You folks enter the Jungle at your own risk.
And...
away we go.
Turn.
Wave.
You'll never see those people back there again.
E-ver.
Oh, my, where are my manners?
My name is Mike, and I'll be your captain, tour guide and fearless leader until things get even the slightest bit dangerous or uncomfortable.
Please keep your hands, arms, feet, legs and in-laws inside the boat at all times.
Watch your children.
First of all, chances are good they're watching YOU!
And secondly, it's literally a Jungle out here.
Most of the plants along the banks are known to actively feed on small children.
But look at the colorful flowers!
I believe you folks know your way in the spiel from here...
Have a wonderful day!
---Mike
