You know who you are.
"Jungle is 101" followers are a fine crew, marked by undeniably distinct characteristics and personality flaws:
- You are literate, but favor picture books with high monosyllabic word content.
- You are inquisitive, yet willingly believe anything in writing, so long as it is on the Internet.
- Aloof, you wear ascots and smoking jackets, despite summer humidity and a fondness for sandals.
- You find Superstring Theory plausible because it posits additional dimensions beyond the four space-time dimensions generally observed, but mostly because it can be shot from a can during birthday celebrations.
- You are secure in your individuality, yet bemused by people who gape at you during one of your regular, spontaneous and utterly inappropriate outbursts while using public transit systems.
- Dental hygiene is more of a broad, long-term goal than a daily objective.
- You are disturbed that one of the voices in your head seems to be hearing things---worse yet, it is starting to act them out and is annoying the other voices, who are agitating for a solution---along with benefits, a pension plan and discretionary bonuses.
- You fill in crossword puzzle answers with numbers and strange symbols that you've made up all by yourself.
- People like you. As long as you remain in strict compliance with the restraining order.
- What's wrong with mustard? You got a problem with MUSTARD??!!!!
- You know exactly what I'm talking about as far as the whole "mustard" thing.
- You were voted Class Clown at your remedial school---eight years in a row.
- "There's always room for Jello" is not just an advertising slogan, it is a guiding principle and quantum vacuum, forming the fundamental energy and information-carrying field, or "Akashic field," that informs not just the current universe, but all universes past and present---collectively, the "Metaverse."
- You put your pants on, one leg at a time, four pairs at a time, just like the next guy.
- Drinking isn't a problem. Stopping. Stopping's a problem.
- You weigh over 500 pounds, with enormous, razor sharp teeth and claws, can leap over twenty feet, and your roar can be heard more than 3 kilometers away. Wait. Never mind. That's a Bengal Tiger.
- NASCAR is a sport! And a dang good 'un, mind you!
- You can't shake the feeling you left something in Adventureland, like a wallet or a family member.
- You pay your mortgage with a credit card and your credit card with your home equity line of credit.
- You don't have a home equity line of credit.
- Other people fascinate you. You stare unblinkingly at them and edge closer to them on park benches and in supermarket check-out lines.
- You still duck when Jungle natives attack just before the "Backside of Water," though you've never actually seen them toss a single spear in any prior attack. Ever.
- Thinking back on dissecting that frog in high school still makes you hungry.
- There's nothing wrong with living alone. In a park. Under scrub brush. On an embankment.
- You favorite holiday is one that is celebrated by no one else. Anywhere. But you still wear the costume to work.
- A nowhere job for minimum wage is not a sign of failure---it's something to apply for.
- I swear that guy is staring at me.
- Is this the way to the restroom? Why are you all wearing epaulets?
- I could read stuff on the Internet all day long...
- You've read each of the bullet points above, amazed at their uncanny accuracy in describing your inner self --- it's like he really GETS me!
- You don't know just when to quit.
- But I do.
Happy Windsday, Piglet!
---Mike
