Thursday, February 3, 2011

Disneyland - Jungle Load and Spiel Intro

Climb on in, please, there's plenty of room.
That's right, take a seat.
Scooch in, it's a bit of a squeeze.
That's because Doug and Tim, our boat loaders, used to work in a sardine factory.
Until they got canned.
So they joined the circus; took a job on the flying trapeze.
They held on for as long as they could.But they were let go.
Next they tried their luck as human cannoballs.
They were fired on the spot.

Fortunately, they landed here.
In the Jungle.
And they are doing such a fine job, that it looks like we are are fully loaded.
(Which is the only way to go into the jungle, if you ask me).
Let me remind you that the Jungle Cruise is a high speed, turbulent, roller-coaster type ride through space. Expectant mothers, persons with heart conditions, motion sickness or back problems should not attempt to ride this attraction.
Our boat has been pressurized for your safety and comfort, in the event of a devastating loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from above your head. At that time, take the mask and place it over your nose and mouth and begin breathing normally. Even though the bag does inflate, oxygen will be flowing. Be sure to secure your own mask before assisting any child accompanying you.
Sit well back in your seats, make sure your seat backs are fully upright, your tray tables closed and all carry-on items stored beneath your seat or in the overhead bins...and we are off.
Like a dirty t-shirt.
Like old fish in the fridge.
Like the dinosaurs.
Like zipper boots and polyester leisure suits.
Now turn around, if you will, and wave a fond farewell to the folks back on the dock.
Where are my manners?
My name is Mike and I'll be your skipper and guide for the next seven adventurous days and 12 romantic evenings.
Keep your ruddy hands on board and watch your small children---(in best pirate voice), "That be the best way to repel boarders."
We are entering the tropical rain forest where it rains over three hundred and sixty seven days a year, largely due to the sprinklers in the trees above you.
Before we go any further, raise your right hands and repeat after me the Jungle Cruise Oath:

I hope...
(crew on boat: "I hope")
that I...
("that I")


Speaking of alive, if the boat should take on water, capsize or sink along the way, remember small children and people with Mickey Mouse T-shirts may be used as personal flotation devices.

The foregoing, and several variations thereof, launched many of my poor boats on journeys into the deepest parts of the Jungle.  Ah, the purity, the directness, the joy of the spiel.
Wouldn't mind jumping on a boat right now, grabbing the throttle and working my poor, captive audience.