Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Disneyland - Deep Thoughts on a Wednesday - Jungle Readers Analyzed

Greetings, salutations and welcome, oh wayward fans of this humble slice of cyberspace. 
You know who you are. 
"Jungle is 101" followers are a fine crew, marked by undeniably distinct characteristics and personality flaws: 
  • You are literate, but favor picture books with high monosyllabic word content.
  • You are inquisitive, yet willingly believe anything in writing, so long as it is on the Internet.
  • Aloof, you wear ascots and smoking jackets, despite summer humidity and a fondness for sandals.
  • You find Superstring Theory plausible because it posits additional dimensions beyond the four space-time dimensions generally observed, but mostly because it can be shot from a can during birthday celebrations.
  • You are secure in your individuality, yet bemused by people who gape at you during one of your regular, spontaneous and utterly inappropriate outbursts while using public transit systems.
  • Dental hygiene is more of a broad, long-term goal than a daily objective.
  • You are disturbed that one of the voices in your head seems to be hearing things---worse yet, it is starting to act them out and is annoying the other voices, who are agitating for a solution---along with benefits, a pension plan and discretionary bonuses.
  • You fill in crossword puzzle answers with numbers and strange symbols that you've made up all by yourself.
  • People like you.  As long as you remain in strict compliance with the restraining order.
  • What's wrong with mustard?  You got a problem with MUSTARD??!!!!
  • You know exactly what I'm talking about as far as the whole "mustard" thing.
  • You were voted Class Clown at your remedial school---eight years in a row.
  • "There's always room for Jello" is not just an advertising slogan, it is a guiding principle and quantum vacuum, forming the fundamental energy and information-carrying field, or "Akashic field," that informs not just the current universe, but all universes past and present---collectively, the "Metaverse."
  • You put your pants on, one leg at a time, four pairs at a time, just like the next guy.
  • Drinking isn't a problem.  Stopping.  Stopping's a problem.
  • You weigh over 500 pounds, with enormous, razor sharp teeth and claws, can leap over twenty feet, and your roar can be heard more than 3 kilometers away.  Wait.  Never mind. That's a Bengal Tiger.
  • NASCAR is a sport!  And a dang good 'un, mind you!
  • You can't shake the feeling you left something in Adventureland, like a wallet or a family member.
  • You pay your mortgage with a credit card and your credit card with your home equity line of credit.
  • You don't have a home equity line of credit.
  • Other people fascinate you.  You stare unblinkingly at them and edge closer to them on park benches and in supermarket check-out lines.
  • You still duck when Jungle natives attack just before the "Backside of Water," though you've never actually seen them toss a single spear in any prior attack.  Ever.
  • Thinking back on dissecting that frog in high school still makes you hungry.
  • There's nothing wrong with living alone.  In a park.  Under scrub brush.  On an embankment.
  • You favorite holiday is one that is celebrated by no one else.  Anywhere.  But you still wear the costume to work.
  • A nowhere job for minimum wage is not a sign of failure---it's something to apply for.
  • I swear that guy is staring at me.  
  • Is this the way to the restroom?  Why are you all wearing epaulets?
  • I could read stuff on the Internet all day long...
  • You've read each of the bullet points above, amazed at their uncanny accuracy in describing your inner self --- it's like he really GETS me!
  • You don't know just when to quit.
  • But I do.
There.  I'm done.

Happy Windsday, Piglet!



Connie Moreno said...

Whew! Thank goodness I don't match any of those afore mentioned points!

Okie said...

Great list. There were a few points where I felt you were totally off the mark in describing me...but then I checked with my wife and she assured me that you were 100% correct.

Excellent analysis. ;)

gomezaddams said...

Sorry, Mike, but you are way off with this installment. You successfully did something similar a while back. Go back and look at that one and you will see where you went amiss.This is the only entry in your work that can be considered mean spirited. It is pointed at your readers.
Jungle is 101 is a frequent stop for me because it is clever & carries a bit of the Disney magic, giving insights to a place where I can rarely go. This article reads like it could have been written by Eisner.

Momma Nic said...

Whew! So many words for just 4 people. tee hee

Anonymous said...

Wow Mike! What a blog! As a first time reader, I found myself laughing uncontrollably at your truly astounding and beautiful sense of humor.

Thanks for the amazing blog. And, ignore that other guy's irrelevant comment.

Keep up the great work!

dmorrone said...

Uh oh, did you see this Mike?