Greetings and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise!
I am SO glad to see each and every one of you.
Watch your step as you come on board.
Hey, as you're boarding, I'm standing here thinking, whattayou call a guy who stands on the river's edge next to the boat?
How 'bout the guy who makes announcements over the intercom?
The one who oils our boat's engine?
The girl who catches all the butterflies for us while we're on this expedition?
Why, that's "Annette."
Oh that's rich.
See that gentleman loading our last few victims into the back of the boat?
He's also in charge of fueling us up.
We call him "Phil."
You'll want to steer clear of his brother, the guy who collects spears from the local natives, I say spears from the local natives.
His name is "Chuck."
And, our personal favorite here in the Jungle, the gal who cleans up after the elephants in the meadow...
Believe me, she's a pile of fun!
Speaking of names, mine is "Mike" and I have the honor of being your humble skipper, guide, bartender and lounge act for the entire duration of our trip along the murky rivers of the jungle.
Sit well back in your seats, take hold of small children, loved ones and cameras.
Now that we are completely loaded, it only seems fitting that we'll plunge ahead into the teeming jungle.
In fact, that's the only way I know how to enter the Jungle...fully and completely loaded.
Turn around, wave goodbye to those poor folks we're leaving behind on the dock.
I say "poor" because they missed being on OUR boat---simply the greatest, most excitement-filled, most luxurious, best appointed, most-well stocked and most unpredictable boat in all the Jungle---everyone shout "YEAAAAAA!"
Go ahead, make it look like you're having the time of your lives! Come on, really sell it!
Fabulous. You folks are like family. It's like I've known you my whole life. You feel the bond? Powerful stuff.
As we enter the Jungle, a safety reminder, remain seated, keep your hands, arms, legs and nostrils inside the boat at all times and watch your children.
Speaking of children, you know what we call an unwatched child in the Jungle?
Sometimes "Tiger Nip," or "Kibbles and Bits" or "Hyena Chow."
Most of the carnivores in the Jungle LOVE children.
But enough of that...this young lady up front is starting to look a little nervous...
Don't worry sweetie, I'll protect you.
Hmmm. She does not look too convinced.
OH MY GOODNESS!! LOOK AT THOSE!
Three toucans, otherwise known as...
a six pack.
Which brings to the ruins of an ancient Cambodian shrine, destroyed centuries ago by an earthquake, it has almost been completely overtaken by the Jungle.
There on our left is a truly magnificent specimen---a full-grown, male Bengal Tiger. Isn't he something? Weighing over 800 pounds, with razor sharp fangs and claws, he can easily leap over 20 feet and....he eats small children...one of my FAVORITE animals of the jungle.
(Turning again to the six year old girl to my left) It's okay, sweetie, like I said, I'll protect you.
Snakes? Why does it always have to be SNAKES?
That stone sculpture is Ganesha the Elephant God and he marks the beginning of the world famous Elephant Bathing Pool.
Look at all the elephants!
See that one with the private shower? He's special. Weighing over 800 pounds, with razor sharp fangs and claws, he can easily leap over 20 feet and....he eats small children...one of my FAVORITE animals of the jungle.
Whoa! This guy has gotten away from the rest of the herd and LOVES to squirt my boats.
Stopped just in time. That was close!
HE'LL SQUIRT YOU, I'M NOT KIDDING! I'M NOT KIDDING! I'M NOT KIDDING!
(The elephant fails to squirt...surprise).
I am totally and completely kidding.
That's just a little DRY humor.
Sir, in the back, with the serious face...I said DRY humor!
Hey, I don't write these, I just say 'em folks.
I have a BAD feeling about this.
Everyone. Keep very still.
If you are wearing yellow, do not make any noise like a banana---
It drives these guys APE.
Heck, they might even find you...
(Long pause for effect...I stare back at my crew with a "What??" kinda look on my face, then a slightly guilty smile over the microphone).
I'd like to thank the gentleman in the back for laughing at the banana joke.
Thanks a BUNCH.
(I turn and look expectantly at my boatload of guests with the same "What?" kinda look and the smile over the mic once more).
You know what, you're right.
I shouldn't've let that "bunch" joke SLIP.
Enough with the banana stuff, I think we better SPLIT!
(Groans. I turn and look with an excessive mock injured look on my face).
But seriously, those gorillas are amazing creatures.
See that one with the rifle? Weighing over 800 pounds, with razor sharp fangs and claws, he can easily leap over 20 feet and....he eats small children...one of my FAVORITE animals of the jungle.
I mean, let's face it what good are groaners in the Jungle if you don't milk them?!
Oh, there's more, but I have a feeling you may have heard it all somewhere before...