At long last I am breaking out my old, yellowed "official" Jungle Cruise spiel and sharing it with you. Sure, other sites have summarized Jungle jokes and spiels, but how many bring you an actual copy of the living, breathing document!
It is not the Constitution or the Magna Carta, but it is still a thing of historical and pop cultural significance.
You can tell the spiel I share is dated because, for one thing, it has jokes about "keeping the cushions clean" by having the guests slide forward and covering up "all of the blue seat cushions" (or whatever color cushions were on your particular boat).
There haven't been seat cushions on the Jungle since they did away with the striped canopies. Sigh.
I had my favorites that I used during "Load" (and a few non-S.O.P. lines that were popular among us skippers). Paragraphs 1, 3, 8, 10, 11 and, of course, 12 were classics and almost always included in one form or another.
I would also use on of the following, depending on my mood:
"Watch your head. Watch your step. Watch your head. Watch your step. If you miss your step---and step on your head, Please! Watch your language. This is Disneyland after all and there are small children present."
"Hurry up! Get in! We haven't got all day! Are you guys on vacation or something? Let's go, this isn't Knott's Berry Farm!"
"As you enter the boat, keep an eye on your boat loaders. These guys have a strange affinity for touching your elbows. Just let them do it and go ahead and keep on moving into the boat to find your seat. If you make eye contact, they'll just follow us into the Jungle. Took me a week to get rid of the last one we got in here."
"Hey! Where have you guys been all day! I've been keeping the engine warmed up for you. Come on in! Squeeze together and don't be afraid to come all the way up front by me---I'm almost completely over the Irrawaddy Fever and that necrotizing skin rash is clearing up nicely."
"Let's go! Pack it in folks! Don't worry if it seems crowded now---there's usually plenty of room after we get over that first waterfall."
"The Jungle Cruise is a thrilling, high-speed, turbulent, roller coaster-type ride through space. For your safety persons with heart conditions, motion sickness or back problems and expectant mothers should not attempt to ride this attraction. Now, please pull down on your safety bars, keep your hands and arms inside the boat, and be sure to hang onto your hats and glasses "cause this here's the wildest ride----in, um, Adventureland."
"As you enter our glass bottomed boat, please gaze down at the school of piranha beneath us, but don't tap on the glass. Drives 'em crazy. (Made you look)."
"Okay, as you take your seats, grab those 3-D glasses and put them on. Captain Eo will begin momentarily. Sorry---wrong attraction. I guess you'll just have to sit down and look out the windows or something. We're a low-budget ride here at the Jungle Cruise."
"Welcome aboard! I'd like to take this time to remind you to put your seat backs and tray tables in their fully upright and locked position. Be sure that your seatbelts are buckled. To do so, simply slide the metal connector into the buckle and then adjust the strap, keeping it low and tight across your lap. Our cabin has been pressurized for your comfort and safety, if however, we should experience a devastating loss of pressure during our trip, oxygen masks will drop down from the compartments above your heads. At that time, take the mask and place it over you nose and mouth and begin breathing normally. If we should experience a water landing, your seat cushion, or the guest seated next to you, may be used as a flotation device. Now, sit back, relax and enjoy your cruise."
There's plenty more, but you get the drift. The spiel itself consists of 12 full pages, so we'll post some more as time goes on.
For now, have a safe and happy September 2, 2008!